i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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