I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize