Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We left the knife in your bed.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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