I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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