I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
