a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
