my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is my gift to your gina
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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