grandma shit on top of the toilet
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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