the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
