I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just had sex bonerless
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
