I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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