At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
