Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize