she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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