Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
