what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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