Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
