just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
