dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize