I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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