Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
