dude i'm inner monologue high
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize