I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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