Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
