tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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