What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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