Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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