Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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