the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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