I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
