My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
