So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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