The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
