the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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