and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
