fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
