if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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