Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
