I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
