you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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