It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
