you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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