I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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