just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
