On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
