five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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