Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
