Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
