this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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