I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
