I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
we're making bets on your personal life
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
