Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
