Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
