And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
