Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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