why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
