what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I puked a lego.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize