I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
