Apparently you make a good broom.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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