a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
