Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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