She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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