new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
