My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
